Abnormally abnormal

Normal Me:

These are the words that I would use to describe me: content, happy, grateful, optimistic, motivated.  Sure, I have bad days, lazy days, and cranky days just like everyone else, but overall I am generally a mellow happy person.

My Alter Post-Prego Ego:

With each of my boys I've experienced baby blues.  My experience with baby blues has been off and on sadness and brief discouragement about little things that normally wouldn't affect me.  Gratefully, I recognized what was going on with my emotions and was able to cope.  Baby blues are common, and I wish that more prego women were made aware of it so that it won't come as a shock.  This is not an easy thing for me to journal about, but its a part of my mother experience that I need to remember.  A couple of months ago I started feeling those baby blues coming to me.  The discouragement and sadness was at a much deeper level than I have ever experienced.   It wasn't everyday and it wasn't even all day when it did hit.  The inconsistency was the most frustrating part about it all.  I would be totally fine one minute and then suddenly I would have to pull over on the side of the road because I would start crying and couldn't see the road.  It was usually the worst in the evening.  I was embarrassed about it and didn't want Brett to know about it, so I only talked with a few friends who I knew would understand because they've been there.  For the most part I was able to keep 'closeted crazy' in check.  After a few weeks I think I subconsciously felt like I needed a reason for the sadness, so I started thinking in absolutes. Absolutes are usually not a good idea, especially when you are not in a good mind.  Suddenly, when I would take the trash out it became: "Brett NEVER takes the trash out." (which is not true).  When someone would mention they were dropping kids off at Grandparents it became: "EVERYONE has family to help them out.  I NEVER get help from ANYONE."  (Both statement are very false)  The absolutes kept coming and frustration was growing.  There were nights where I would cry for hours.

Abnormally Abnormal:

A couple of weeks ago things came to a head and I had an emotional, verbal, teary deluge.  Up to this point Brett had no idea what was going on in my head.  How dare he not read my mind and look past my smile and keeping it together, right? (I hope you hear the sarcasm there) What I was expecting: "You're right, Stepahnie.  You have it really hard. How can I fix these horrible circumstances?"  What I got: "I really don't understand why you're saying these things. This isn't how you normally feel about . . ."  What! No sympathy? This is not what I expected at all, and it was exactly what I needed. This is why I love Brett so much.  Somehow I forgot who I was and somehow I forgot to disconnect ME from the blues that I had learned to cope with after my other births.

Fixing My Broken Crazy:

This moment I had with Brett helped me really turn things around.  I still get the blues at times, but when I do I remind myself that the sadness will pass and not to dwell on it. I have to stop and think, "Is this something normal me would think?  If this is a 'crazy me' thought than I need to stop thinking it." Oh, and for your informations; the DEFINITION OF CRAZY in this post is NOT IN CONTROL of myself.   Crazy can mean different things to different people, but for me it is lack of control.  I'm admitting an embarrassing weakness, because I love being in control.  I really don't like having little control over myself, which is why I am hesitant of a lot of medicines and supplements, because of how they alter my control, but that's a topic for another day.

Another thing that has really helped me is this beautiful quote from President Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  THIS talk really means a lot to me.  Faith can be interchanged with self worth, marriage, friends, etc. . . It really works.

Here's what I know and need to remind myself when I forget:  

I am very blessed.  I have an amazing life.  I have an amazing family that I love.  I have some awesome friends.  I love where I am in my life and where my life is headed.  Rinse and Repeat.

If you are a woman reading this and haven't experienced baby blues, just know that if you have children it may come.  Don't beat yourself up about it.  It's normal.  You are still normal. . . or at least not completely crazy:).  Baby blues are not quite the same as postpartum depression.  If the blues are to a point where they take up more of your time than the good times and it's interfering with basic function than GO SEE A DOCTOR!  We have to be humble enough to recognize when we need help from more than what we have available at home.  Our families need us and sometimes that means getting help so we can be there for them.  I know that my blues could have been much worse, and I am glad that I'm catching it now and helping myself.

The best things to do to help overcome baby blues:

  -Do something you love

  -Start a new project

  -Talk to someone about it
-See a doctor
-Make a plan every day to do something even if it's just a trip to the store

  -Doubt your negative thoughts

  -EXERCISE!

  -Eat better, it really does make a difference

  -Attempt more sleep (this one is hard to do with a baby)

  -Go on a date

  -Plan an amazing vacation and then don't actually go on one. 

       (THIS explains the last one)

  -Put on some 'happy' essential oils: Citrus Bliss, Balance, Lavender, Serenity
-Take Multi-Vitamins and Vitamin B,D, and C in addition