To the Young Women

A dear friend of mine and former Camp Director when I was in YW asked me if I would write something for the Young Women in her ward.  It took me a few weeks to come up with what to say, but this is what I ended up sending to her:

 Hi! My name is Stephanie.  I like to cook, paint stuff, work in the yard, and sing obscenely loud to music that I don’t know the words to when I’m driving by myself.  I’m thirty-three years old according to my birth certificate, but I think my brain is still in my early twenties most of the time.  I met and married my husband ten years ago and we have five energetic, loud, and wonderful little boys.  It’s hard to believe that our oldest son just turned eight this summer!  We’re not old enough to have an eight year old!  Our fifth son was a surprise little miracle that came when we had other plans in mind, and we are so glad Heavenly Father’s plans are better then ours. Shortly after finding out I was expecting, I noticed a small lump in my breast.  I wasn’t too worried about it, but mentioned it to my OB/GYN during one of my routine baby check-ups.  Within a week I had an ultrasound on the growth, a biopsy, mammogram, and the news that I have breast cancer.  At first my husband and I were in shock and a little bit of denial.  I can’t have cancer!  I’m young, healthy, no family history of cancer, I’m just not a cancer ‘candidate’!  It just didn’t make sense, but there it was staring at us in the face: invasive ductal carcinoma of the right breast.  Now what?  There were a couple of weeks that kind of went by in a blur.  I had so many questions and concerns that I felt like they were running a constant flow threw my brain and there was very little room for much else to occupy my mind.  I couldn’t stop thinking about my family.  . . . my boys. . . . they need their mom.  I need them.  My time with them can’t be done.  Being filled with doubt is not a safe place to be.  My husband and I had some great talks and he was able to be my rock and reason.  Through our discussions I realized that my mind was so full of worry that there was little room for the Savior.  I decided to spend more time on my knees and I admitted to God that I didn’t know what to do and that I needed His help.  As promised in Matthew 11:28, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest”, when I turned to my Father in Heaven, He lifted my burdens so that I could finally rest from my worry.  He did not take the burden away, but almost instantly, it was as though I could see things as they really were; in God’s hands.  I remembered a vacation we went on several years ago.  We were enjoying a beautiful warm beach and learning how to surf.  The water was clear and the waves were small and perfect for beginners. Brett (my awesome hubby) really caught on to surfing and was having a blast.  I was having fun in the water, but every time I got onto my board I would head straight toward a rocky area coming off the shore and then I would have to jump off my board before I crashed.  Each time the same thing would happen, and I was getting frustrated that everyone else seemed to surf straight to the sandy beach, except for me who had some kind of magnetism to scary rocks.  It was almost time to pack it up and head in when someone yelled to me, “Stop looking at the rocks!  When you get on the board, look at the beach!”  It seemed a little too easy, but I got on my board and kept my eyes on the sandy beach in front of us, and I made it there!  The dangerous rocks were still there, but this time by focusing on the beach I surfed straight to my desired destination.  I was grateful for that advice and I could see how my current sitution needed the same words of wisdom.  I needed to reflect and really ponder what I wanted my ‘destination’ to be.  More then anything I want my boys to reach their greatest potential and have true joy in their life and for us to all live with God again.  With that destination in mind, it became easier for me to put my trust in the Lord.  Only our loving Father in Heaven could possibly love our boys more then my husband and me, and He knew what He was doing.  I trust that our experiences, trials, and hardships are meant to build us into the people that He wants us to be.  “For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” Moses 1:39.  If I need this experience in my life to help my children have greater faith in Jesus Christ, build character, or learn humility, then it is worth it.  I’m on the Lord’s time.  

    It’s funny how unimportant lots of ‘little’ things become when you begin to keep your eyes on your goal, and recognize God’s timetable.  Cancer has taught me to care less about what other people think of me.  Cancer has taught me to say yes more, procrastinate less, and treasure moments.  I went swinging on a swing set at the school playground with my boys and we tried to see who could get the highest.  I’ve jumped in puddles with my toddler.  I love being a mom and I think I will treasure all of these little moments more then I ever did before. I am so grateful for my change in perspective.  Cancer has taught me that every day we are able to choose how that day goes.  Cancer can do a lot of damage, but it cannot take away my smile, my laugh, my love, or my will.  I’m not perfect, and sometimes catch myself getting caught up in worry, but surrounding myself with positive people and a supportive husband has helped me refocus away from the ‘rocks’ and toward the smooth sandy shore.  Life can be really hard sometimes, but that doesn’t have to change who we are at the core.  We are children of God, and He has a plan for us that’s pretty amazing.  When we remember not just who we are but whose we are we can walk a little taller, care a little less about ‘stuff’, and care a little more about preparing ourselves for everything God intends us to be.  He makes big plans and every single person that allows themselves to be led (and sometimes carried) by Him has the opportunity to see things as they really are: trials are temporary, pain doesn’t last forever, and setbacks are only opportunities to do it a better way.  

  Being a young woman is hard and at times confusing and heartbreaking.  Your pains are real and shouldn't be minimized.  Just know that these pains, heartaches, and suffering that you experience now will pass. They WILL PASS!  And they will make you stronger and better prepared to meet your next trial if you allow the pain to be your teacher.  If you feel like you're not strong enough, then let the Atonement of Jesus Christ carry you.  When we are weak, He is strong. One of my favorite quotes of all times best iterates my feelings:  "

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God . . . and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.” - Orson F. Whitney

Just look in the mirror and repeat, "I am strong.  I am capable.  I am a daughter of a King."

Birthday boy

Owen is such a sweety.  He is kind, a good friend, thoughtful, and imaginative.  He also really loves his 'guys' (aka: all action figures of any kind), so for his birthday he got comic hero mr. potato heads. We told him the day was his to do what he wanted.  So, for breakfast we had sprinkle donuts and chocolate milk and then opened presents. After a few hours of playing with his guys we went to McDonalds for lunch and playing at the play place, then we came home to watch a movie.  We spent the evening at their new favorite park and then went to Arctic Circle for more playing and lots of ice cream.  It was Owen's perfect day.

Blessings

We were so happy to have both grandparents, Ryan and Jennifer's family,  and Aunt Kaley and Uncle Chase's family here for Brett's blessing.  Aunt Kaley brought us some donated milk and it was so great to see Tate and Brett together.  These two are both miracle babies and the product of much prayer, fasting, and love.  It will be great to see them grow and become great cousin buddies. 

 Brett was still pretty small for his clothes, but he still looked so handsome. 

 We found a new park in Lehi that has quickly become the boys' favorite.

 BYU Football season is upon us.  For the first game Brett went with Ryan and Grandpa Partridge.  Before the game we got to have some fun touring BYU with the boys and going to the bookstore.  The boys were excited to see the Kung Fu Panda in Dad's old stomping ground.

 Hyrum's first pack meeting went well.  He earned his Bobcat and his first beltloop.  We're so glad that Hyrum gets to start scouting right when the new program begins.  He is so excited to excell at scouting.  

 I was wrapping Brett up in his usual tight burrito wrap.  Owen ran upstairs to get some big blankets and asked if I could make him an 'a-tido" (taquito).  We had a little a-tido pile.  These boys are just so stinkin' adorable. I could eat them up!

Moments

I love catching the boys in sweet moments of tenderness and love.  I had laid Brett down on the carpet after finishing eating.  Emmett was playing on the other side of the room with the Noah's Ark toy.  After a few minutes I noticed Emmett had gone over to Brett to play with him.  It was so sweet as Emmett placed toys on him and got a little annoyed that Brett wasn't playing back.  These boys will be good buddies in another year or so.

 The day before school started I was able to take them to meet their teachers. I was so grateful that Grandma Rushton stayed home with the other boys so I could give my full attention to these excited elementary schoolers. Hyrum was so proud to show Noah where the cafeteria was and some other essential places that only full-time schoolers know.  After meeting their teachers I took them out to the playground.  The three of us competed for who could go the highest on the swings.  I won, but they were close. . . and not nearly as dizzy as I was after. 

 Chemo started back up on the second day of school. I kind of hoped I could just be done after the baby was born, so it wasn't the easiest thing to go back to, but we know this is what we need to do.  Baby stayed with us for the first few hours of infusion, but I started dozing off and getting weird, so Brett took him to a friend for the rest of our cancer center time. 

 Owen started preschool.  He wasn't very happy about going, but once he got there he had SO much fun!  He loves Ms. Liza and can't wait for each time he gets to go back.  He has some good buddies that are in his class with him, so he even gets more friend time with carpooling.

Phone Pics

Hyrum loves his baby brother.  He loves holding him and burping him.  He's a great helper.

Emmett decided that he was old enough to climb out of his crib.  After a couple of escapes, we thought it would be safer to have him in a big boy bed.  He made the transition really well, although he's not completely sure how to stay sleeping in his bed the whole time. :)

 We celebrated the start of a new school year with a trip up the canyon for s'mores.  

In the hospital and back home

I really loved having those few days in the hospital with just the two of us to bond.  Brett never really cried in the hospital.  He was quiet and content, mostly sleeping, and we love him so much.

 Brett is our smallest baby.

 When we got home Owen was so enamored by Brett. He always wanted to be near him and touch him.  Owen loves Brett so much, he is such a good big brother.

 Every once in a while we catch Brett doing something really funny, unintentionally.  I love his tiny little fingers and serious expressions.

Just before baby

I know this isn't in order, but I came across some more pictures on my phone.  We tried to have fun together before the baby was born.  I was pretty tired, but we did a lot of snuggling and we even went to the pond to take the boat out and play.

First Day of School!

I feel like this summer went by way to fast!  I love seeing my boys grow and how excited they are for school to start.  Noah couldn't stop talking about being in school all day.  He frequently asked me questions about what to do if. . . and where to go when. . . Hyrum was proud to be the expert of all things Elementary School.  He gave Noah advice and told him where to find the office, the bathroom, and other essential places at school.  I love my boys.  

I love this next picture because they are so clearly thinking, "Mom! Seriously!  We want to be on the bus and go to school not smile for your camera!  Are we done now?"

They wanted to head to the bus stop twenty minutes early, but we were able to hold them off a bit.  They were still the first ones in line to get on the bus.  

Brett at home!

Brett is so sweet and loved.  

Brett Garnett Jr.

August 7, 2015

We arrived at the hospital at 5:15am. It was dark outside and we were wide awake. Surgery preparations took about an hour before being wheeled into the OR. Brett got his monkey suit on and came prepared with the camera and conversation topics to distract me during the surgery. I was so happy that I packed my winter hat for the freezing OR. The nurses and staff were all awesome and fun to chat with. Funny how by my fifth c-section I can laugh and talk with strangers as I awkwardly succumb to anesthesia, half naked, in a bright room. Everything went smoothly. In fact, this was by far my best and 'easiest' c-section. My usual groans and motor boat noises that escape my mouth as they apply ridiculous amounts of pressure to my abdomen actually came out in the form of loud laughter this time around. The hardest emotional part of my delivery day with my other boys has been right after their births. They place their small, newly delivered body for a brief moment on my shoulder for introduction before baby and Dad leave for tests, cleaning, and monitoring. After all the pain and emptiness of having my baby removed, I would be left alone, wheeled off alone to be monitored in a room for another hour and a half. With my other boys it was anywhere from 2-8 hours before I was even able to hold them again. Today was different and full of miracles. They allowed skin-on-skin time right after delivery, and my sweet little Brett stayed with me for close to the entire day. To have him with me, on my chest, as they completed the surgery and for those first hours was the greatest blessing and tender mercy to be gifted for my last delivery of my life. I could feel his warm, fast breaths on my skin and hear his little whimpers. He is beautiful. He is perfect. I am beyond grateful and amazed at the love my Father in Heaven offers me. I feel so blessed to be a mother and to welcome this fifth little man into our lives. He saved my life and I saved his, we will forever hold this special bond. He is a warrior and a survivor. We could think of no more fitting name than Brett Garnett Partridge Jr. I learned that Garnett means 'armed with a spear' which is a fitting name for our little warrior who managed to make it through 6 rounds of chemotherapy healthy, strong, and with more hair then me.

Brett weighed 6lb.1 oz.  His brothers were so excited to see him and hold him for the first time.  

I kept Brett with me most of the time in the hospital.  He never had a full on cry the whole three days we were there.  He is calm, peaceful, and sweet.   The nursing staff were so kind.  I feel like they gave us a little extra attention because they knew what a miracle baby we have.  We have been so blessed to have such amazing support and help during this whole thing.  A few women have been so generous in donating their frozen breast milk for him.  I never would have imagined to be the recipient of so much charity and love.  We are very grateful and humbled.