Dear Boys, Choosing 'The One'

Dear Boys,

  I can't tell you who to marry, because that is a decision that only you, your love, and Heavenly Father should be making together.  In an effort to give you some guidance though, I wanted to tell you a little bit about your Dad and I, and more specifically, characteristics that I saw as a must in my future companion.

Similar Backgrounds/Goals:
 On our first date one thing that your Dad and I will always agree was the biggest thing that caught us in each other's net was how much we had in common.  When your Dad asked me out I really could not imagine what we would possibly have in common.  Up to that point, every guy I had dated was super outgoing and a true extrovert, like me.  I thought that was what I wanted in a future husband: the life of the party, funny, crazy, and loved being out.  I was always told that if I marry someone similar to myself than there will be less of a life adjustment after marriage.  I guess I just picked out certain things that I loved and assumed that my husband should love those same things.  As you know, your Dad is not shy, but he is NOT an extrovert.  Going on a mission really helped me grow up, but I was still kind of crazy, spontaneous, and wild.  When I started dating your Dad, I felt like he calmed me down and brought practicality and logic to my life that. . . ehhem. .  let's just be honest, wasn't there otherwise.   Going back to our first date, we talked for hours about music we liked, similar people we knew, our missions, our dating experiences, life goals, our families, etc.  We couldn't stop talking, because we had SO much in common, even though it wasn't the commonalities that I expected.  So, just like I had been told, I will advise you to marry someone with a similar background and with similar goals, just don't be too picky about which backgrounds and goals match up, except for the essential ones like their love of the Savior and His influence in their life.

Social Compatibility:
  You should see your future spouse in a lot of different social settings.  Take your love goggles off for a minute while dating and carefully pay attention to how they act and react in different situations.  You will spend a LOT of time with this person and you should start envisioning how this person you love will handle themselves in lots of life experiences.  This is why dating lots of people comes in handy.  Over the years you will determine things you like and things that drive you crazy in other people.  This is a time where IT IS OKAY to be critical of another person, because you have to decide now if this is someone that you can love forever AND someone that you can live with forever. One thing that was important for me in my future spouse, was that he could handle himself well in conversation and awkward social moments without shying away.  I knew early that your Dad didn't like going out as much as staying in, so I didn't have a lot of opportunities to see him socialize with other people beyond his roommates and myself.  On our second official date we went out to eat and on our way out of the restaurant there were two homeless men sitting on a bench.  I started up a political conversation with them and after hooking Brett into the discussion, I went silent.  I wanted to see how he handled himself.  He was confident, kind, not awkward, and talked for a while before we walked on.  He will probably claim that this was the weirdest thing I did while we dated, but it was all for a purpose.  I loved him a little more after I saw him having a good conversation with these two random men and keeping his cool, even when their views were pretty whacky.  Later on that night we went back to his apartment and watched a movie with his roommates.  Your Dad held my hand for the first time, and I stopped in the middle of the movie to announce to everyone that he was holding my hand.  Your Dad was embarrassed and his roommates were laughing.  If he didn't have his love goggles on, he would have learned that night that I really don't like elephants in the room and I say whatever needs to be said to remove all question or doubt.  Your Dad put up with a lot of my bluntness, and I am very glad he didn't see my occasional embarrassments as a deal breaker.

Hard Working:
  Being married is hard work, it's wonderful and awesome, but it is work.  You don't want to be with someone who gives up when things get hard, because no matter how in love you are, there will come a time when things get hard.  You should envision a life with both of you working side-by-side to achieve your goals, overcome obstacles, raise children, create a home, etc.  My parents were very hesitant about my relationship progressing with your Dad because he didn't have a job and his only work experience was a small stint at Coney's.  When we were dating I was working full time and had saved up enough to buy my first car.  I had had several jobs by that point.  I knew that your Dad was a hard worker judging by his work ethic and his enthusiasm and ambitions for his future career.  Not all characteristics and qualities can show up on a resume, but be aware of them and be looking for them in your future spouse.  When I told your Dad about my parents concern with him not working and being able to be a good provider, he immediately got a job at BYU before he proposed.  Not all educated people are smart and not all smart people are educated, but one sign of a hard worker is education.  I would say that you should only pursue someone with a good college education, but that would be hypocritical coming from me, who has a HS diploma and a cosmetology license, and was working as an apartment office manager when we met and married.  Although my credentials are lacking, I have a great love of learning and education.  I feel that my love of learning and teaching you boys has been one of the greatest blessings in my parenting experience.

Baggage: 
  When you are married you make a promise of unity.  Your two separate lives and experiences will join into one growing relationship together.  While you are dating, and fall in love, sometimes you see the other person as perfect.  Comments and mannerisms can be skimmed over because she's wonderful and it's not 'that bad'.  Let me tell you a secret:  your perception of perfection fades quickly after you are married and what's left is building blocks to add to, some to take away, and some to learn to work with.  Discussing everything that you and she 'bring to the table' is essential long before you even propose.  If she casually mentions that she has major credit card debt, don't skim over that.  If she makes a brief comment about her Dad beating her when she was young, don't skim over that.  Some baggage is bigger then others and you really need to weigh carefully in your mind and in your prayers what you, together, can handle.  I have seen marriages destroyed by seemingly small baggage and I have also seen marriages thrive while carrying much heavier baggage, but either way it is not easy.  You need to make a decision before you even begin getting too serious, if you are able to handle, hand in hand, all that you both bring to the relationship, good and bad.  Here are a few topics that I think are must have discussions before tying the knot: depth of religious conviction,  financial planning and financial present, future family dynamic expectations,  medical and health history, and traumatic life events.    These are the big topics that seem to cause the most amount of issues in future relationships.  I am not saying that a 'bad score' in these discussions is a sure sign to run away, but I want to be clear that these things can bring in some very heavy baggage.  Are you both strong enough?  Someone else may love her just as much as you but be better prepared to walk hand in hand with her through life.  With that said, I also want to add that I have a strong testimony in the power of the atonement and His healing powers.  Some things in life just can't be fixed without the Saviors grace and cleansing atonement.  If things are really hard when you are dating, then there is a good chance they will be even harder after you are married, so choose wisely. When your Dad and I were dating it was easy to be together, it was natural, and it felt right and that's what I want for you boys.  We have disagreements at times, and we don't always like everything about the other person, but those things don't matter because we're in it for the long haul.  Keep a critical eye before marriage, but once you've made your vows and promises to be married you have to let go of the critical eyes, and put the love goggles back on.  

There you have it boys, some more tips from you Mom.  Your Dad and I don't have a perfect marriage because we are not perfect people.  What we do have is mutual respect and love for each other combined with the loyalty of the promises we have made.  You are still all so young and I seam to get busier as you get older.  I don't want you to all grow up so fast that I don't have a chance to tell you these things.  I was just a silly girl who dated a jobless boy but we saw something great in us and we took the leap.  It was worth it!  I love you boys and I will never stop loving you, worrying about you, and thinking about you EVERY DAY!  We are so lucky to have been blessed to be stewards over you in this life. 

Love oodles and poodles, 
Mom