A New Beginning

A couple of months ago, after I found out I was pregnant, it felt as though my milk was coming in on my right breast.  It was weird, but a warm compress seemed to make it feel better, and after a couple of days the swelling went down.  Then I noticed a little lump that didn't seem to go away.  I was certain it was a clogged milk duct (which I've had before and I know felt the same).  When it didn't go away after a month, I casually mentioned it to my Obgyn at my 16 week appointment.  He scheduled an appointment for me to have an ultrasound on the lump.  The ultrasound was inconclusive so immediately after I had a biopsy.  The biopsy was a little painful, but not too bad.  My breast was bruised for a couple of days.  We waited for the results of the test, but I was still sure that it was nothing.  On Tuesday, March 31st we got the news: "Grade 1 invasive ductal carcinoma measuring about 1.3 cm".  Brett was the first one to get the news.  He checked on the healthcare website that lets us know all our appointments, prescriptions, and diagnosis'.  He came downstairs and let me know.  It took me a little bit of time to fully let it sink in, then I cried, we cried. My Obgyn talked to me about it and let me know the next steps to take.  He had already set up an appointment for me to meet with a surgeon.  No one wants to hear the word cancer associated with them.  It's a scary word.  Cancer equals pain, no hair, and possible death.  It's crazy how a single word can instill such fear and negativity. Brett and I just didn't know where to even begin.  We did a little bit of research, but for some reason no where does it say what we are guaranteed to expect.  Here's what we thought: "We were ensured that the cancer was very small, we caught it early, and it would need to be removed. We're meeting with a surgeon and not an oncologist, so we're getting it easy.  They'll remove the cancer and then we'll be done.  Woohoo! Easy, peasy!"  Then we met with the surgeon.  She was amazing and again assured us that I have the most common breast cancer.  She said how great it was that we found it early and that it was so small.  She assured us that having surgery in the second trimester was safe and the baby would be fine.  Then she told us the reality of cancer. If you have cancer it has to be removed, once it's all out, then chemotherapy and radiation are a must to ensure that any remnants are killed.  I guess we just didn't go into the appointment with the right mind set.  Both of us were a bit shocked and lost. . . and she kept talking.  There was a lot of information.  She gave us appointment cards to meet with an oncologist and to have an echocardiogram the next week, and surgery in a week and a half.  I cried a lot in the first few days.  I cried trying to fall asleep at night.  I cried when my babies snuggled with me.  I cried when I read to them.  Sometimes I just started crying randomly.  For some reason I envisioned chemo as months of constant vomiting, laying in bed, and pain all over my body.  No breaks from it. I was worried about my baby. I was worried about my boys going months without a mom. At times I was fine and felt strong, but crashes came frequently.  I was bouyed up and brought afloat from peoples concern, prayers, and offers of help.  Brett was so level headed and had a great positive outlook on the situation and I was so grateful to be with him. He strengthened me.  Now that we've both been able to do some more research and reach out to people who have had cancer we feel much more at ease.  There will be some very hard days ahead of us, but there will also be good days mixed in with the bad.  General Conference was a huge help to both Brett and I.  We were both touched and felt some of our deep fears diminishing during different talks and music.  We felt that the Savior was encircling us in His arms. At the moment we are both feeling hopeful and grateful for this new beginning in our lives.  I opened a Facebook page to put frequent updates on my breast cancer.  I really feel that it will be healing and strengthening for me to 'write' my thoughts and feelings out.  I hope that maybe it will help someone else who may be in a similar situation as me.