Letter to my kids on my 30th Birthday.

Dear Kids,

I know I will never be young in your eyes.  In your mind I will be your Mom and that is all I will be to you.  I am not only okay with that, but I embrace this honor and all the roles that go along with it.  Being a Mom means that I will be a lot of things for you and a lot of things to you.  Sometimes I am the bad guy, and other times a warm embrace and a shoulder to cry on.  I am not a perfect person, which means I am not a perfect mother either.  I wish I could be more for you, and I hope that you can embrace the good, and learn from my mistakes as you find yourself and build your own family someday.  I want you to know that I love you.  You can't fully understand the love I have for you until you have children of your own.  But in case you are wondering I will never stop loving you.  I love you when you snuggle into me.  I love you when you laugh.  I love you when you explore.  I love you when you play together.  I love you when you hate me.  I love you when you make mistakes.  I love you when you sleep.  I love you when you drive me crazy.  I love you always and there are no limits.  With that said, I also love you enough to let you fail.  I love you enough to look away so you can learn on your own.  I love you enough to make you do things on your own.  I love you so much that I want you to leave me someday and find happiness for yourself.  Even if I forget to say it or you feel that your Dad and I are in a different world that you want nothing to do with, we both love you and nothing can take that love away.

I am now thirty years old. When I was little I thought the big 3-0 was the first passageway to being old.  Say goodbye to youth, beauty, and pretty much all fun in general.  Hello to responsibility, wrinkles, and a tired body.  Now that I am here I have discovered that I was very wrong.  Thirty is really just the beginning.  I spent the first 18 years of my life being trained how to be on my own and find myself.  The 20's became the time of discovery and experimentation to see where I want to belong and creating the architecture of the adult person I hope to become.  Yes, I feel as though I'm just growing into becoming an adult. I feel so young and full of adventure.  Never be afraid of a year, or an age.  You define yourself by who you choose to be.  A number is a number and a title is just a title.  I think everything comes down to finding happiness, true happiness, the kind that makes you content and look forward to getting older and letting that happiness expand within you as it grows with time.  I am happy and the best part is that I know that my happiness will increase.  I know that life is hard and I also know what true pain feels like, what depression and heartache feels like, and what discouragement and disappointment feel like.  I know that hard times will inevitably happen again, but I have confidence that things will be okay.  Things will be okay because no matter how lonely I feel, or hopeless things may become, my Savior will be my hope, my constant, my forever companion in finding forgiveness, strength, and guidance.  Until you've experienced His miraculous Atonement you may not understand how He can possibly fix things that seem un-fixable, but I encourage you to try your faith in the unknown.  He is my Savior and He is yours as well, but you must turn to him in humility to fully receive the healing power waiting for you.  Your Father in Heaven loves you more than even I can fathom.  This knowledge brings me peace and calm in the storms in my life.  You have a network of family, church, friends, and ancestors who genuinely care about you and your future.  You can be and do anything you want, so do the right thing and be the person you were born to be.  If you're not sure who you are, pray and ask.  If you need help, ask.  '. . .ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you.'  If you can't fix it, work with it.  Worry less, work more.  

Right now, I'm watching you sleep as I write this.  I embrace the time I have alone, my girls nights out, my date nights with Dad, and my late night grocery runs, but I love my full time job of being your mom and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Love,
Mom, Mommy, Snuggle Buggle, Buddy