Be of Good Cheer!

Today Brett was teaching from the beginning of John 15 during church and his teaching topic was to 'Be of Good Cheer'.  This topic was dear to me.  I've been complimented for being so positive and happy during this trial in my life, and I'd like to share my secret.   To understand my joy I will also be clear in saying that I am not perfect, and finding joy in this life experience was a journey.  The day we found out my diagnosis was a day of shock.  I had so many mixed emotions that I didn't really know what to think.  When shock evaporated, I looked at the situation honestly and spent a lot of time crying.  I was scared.  I was confused.  I was in mourning.  I cried when I held my kids.  Sometimes I would go to the worst case scenario. I mourned the future time I would loose with them.  I cried when I was driving, and I would have to pull over to the side of the road until my vision was clear.  I wondered if my little 'Bubba' would remember how I shower with him in my arms and we fill our cheeks up with water and spit on the shower wall and laugh.  He is too young, he won't remember if I'm gone. Will they remember that whenever I hold their hands I squeeze it three times and say 'I love you'?  I wondered if my boys would know that I check on them every night when they are asleep to make sure their blankets are on.  I cried when I thought about missing countless life events and milestones.  I cried when I thought about them not having my shoulder to cry on when they have heartache, when they get hurt, when they feel alone.  Would my baby survive this?  I worried about Brett.  He doesn't know how to run the house by himself, to take care of the boys' schedules and appointments, to make sure the boys are brushing their teeth.  There were times and moments when I was in a very dark place over the period of about a week.  I went to the absolute worst case scenario.  I did my very best to hide my tears from my boys. I didn't want them to be afraid, like me.  Sometimes I would feel sorry for myself.  Brett and I both mourned in our own way.  Sometimes we would mourn and council together, but Brett was always the rock in this.  He gave me perspective and comfort.  I love him and am so grateful for him.  After one of our talks I fell to my knees in fervent prayer to my Father in Heaven asking for peace and understanding.  I also asked Brett to give me a blessing. (If you'd like to know more about what a Priesthood blessing is feel free to ask me or see the comments).  Almost immediately, I felt the love of God for me, and I knew the answers would come.  Over the next few days I felt the Holy Ghost filling my mind and heart with a completely altered view of my situation from what I had found myself in previously.  It was as if the storm and chaos in my life was completely gone.  The cancer was still there, but it had no power over me.  Just like Christ calming the waters in a storm and demanding, "Peace, Be Still!".  He demanded the doubt, fear, anger, and stress to be still within me.  I don't know how I ever allowed myself to give into doubt.  Looking back at some of the emotions that ran through my head now just seem ridiculous to me.  I have every confidence that I am in God's hands, and I will be fine.  My family will be fine.  I am His.  He is my vine and I am His branch.  I will be His vessel to bring about his plan, in whatever way that may be.  I know that He loves me more then I love myself, and He loves my family more than I am even capable.  He will do nothing but bring about our salvation and eternal happiness when we allow him to lead us and conform ourselves to His will.  In John 15:4 Christ says, "Abide in me, and I in you."  I cannot think of a safer, happier place to be.  Just as a newborn helplessly depends on it's parents to protect, feed, care for, and raise them, we also are like helpless children in this life needing protection, care, and nourishment and when we abide in Christ He will not lead us astray. So, why am I happy?  I know who's I am.  I know who's got me covered.  This will just be a little speck of hardship in a long life filled with opportunities to become a better person.  If this is what it takes to be 'pruned' into a more fruitful servant of God then I will take it gladly.  I want my boys to know and see that, "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God . . . and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.” - Orson F. Whitney.  I am strengthened and renewed by your prayers in my behalf.  Thank you!