I don't feel any different today then I did yesterday, but I guess I am in a new age bracket which means I should be so much smarter, wiser, patient. . . or something like that. In 10-20 years I'm sure I will be saying the same thing and look back to this time and think about how young and crazy I was right now. My parents sent me a birthday card and my mom said that the next 10-15 years of my life are the summer years. I agree. I feel like the greatest times of my life are at the door. I am in a reflective and contemplative mood so I thought I would journal it down here. I know this is really weird but I strangely fear having amnesia(yes I realize its not something you just get like a cold or something, but still I worry), which is why I'm a bit obsessive about journaling, scrapbooking, and keeping things up to date. So, for my 1/3 of life complete post I wanted to write this to my amnesiac self.
Basics I've learned:
2. Say no to drugs: I've learned repeatedly that my body is very effected by what's put into it. If I take a sleeping pill I will sleep for twelve hours, have restless leg syndrome, wake up really groggy, and still need a 3 hour nap during the day to sleep off the pill. Caffeine will keep me wired. I have about twenty minutes to get ready for bed after taking Nyquill before I literally collapse asleep. After going to a Third Eye Blind concert when I was 14, it took me three days to get rid of the headache and hangover-type feeling from just being around all the weed and cigarette smoke. And more recently, I have learned to stay away from metabolism boosting vitamins, because my body acts like its crack.
3. You faint: The first time I can remember fainting was at an eye appointment when I was little. The doctor dialated my eyes and it really scared me, so I passed out. Then, when I was 11 I was in a horrible horse accident. The doctor on call attemped to get an IV in my hand and failed at least 5 times before he finally found a vein in my arm. I fainted. Then in 8th grade my home-ec teaher was visiting with the girls and discussing how a tampon worked. I fainted (that one took a while to live down). After attempting to donate blood 4 times and passing out each time, a nurse told me that I should just refrain from trying. I've learned that its not the action itself that makes me faint, but only when I think about/dwell on it. I have learned that the less I know about certain things the better. When I'm pregnant I am fully aware what's happening with my body, but I also know that when I am having my c-sections I have to be completely distracted and unaware of what's going on or I will not make it. So, if you want specifics about certain things, you'll have to ask Brett, because I choose to stay out of the loop for a reason. I have low blood pressure which contributes to my fainting. When I am prego I tend to pass out/faint/get dizzy pretty frequently. I've learned to control it. I know when it's about to come on, so I can stop before anything happens and rest for a while. Sometimes I try and push through it and end up on the floor somewhere. I'm glad that I've learned to recognize the feeling and know when to sit or lay down.
Present Self:
1. It's hard being a Mom. Take a breath. Take a walk. Go to the gym. Plan a date. This phase of your life takes a lot out of you. There is a time and season for all things and your time for sleep, reading lots of books, having an immaculately clean home will come, but it is not right now.
2. When you are pregnant you need to remember a few things. (No, this is not an announcement) First, you should spend more time enjoying the life in you and less time stressing about the messes around the house, which means you need to ask for help. Do it! You always think you're going to die when you give birth because it freaks you out. You are not going to die! You've made it through 3 births and you can do it again. Lastly, after the baby is born remember that you have tried to loose weight while nursing three times now and it doesn't work very well. Don't beat yourself up about it, and remember that you won't see the baby weight start to come off until you're done nursing. Be happy with the moment you're in.
3. Make meaningful memories a priority. I don't have a lot of memories of when I was really little, but the things I do remember are little memories that meant a lot to me, even though they may seem insignificant. I remember the first time I saw an owl. I was about three and we lived in Sumner, WA. It was in our yard and it was amazing and magical. I remember it. I want to be more careful to recognize these simple things that are magical to a young mind. Be more patient with the things they don't fully understand or haven't experienced yet. Understand that everything is new to them and it may take time. Look at the newness of life through their eyes before you loose it because they are making you run late, or aren't catching on to something that seems simple to you. They look to you and your reactions to things as an example, make it a good example. When you forget to be a good example, then apologize. Give them good memories to carry with them
(My high school drama queen self is still here:)
Future Self:
1. There is only one thing I want to remind my future self. I'm sure there will be times when you are sitting alone in an empty house and you will wish desperately to have little feet running around you and you will miss being needed as much as I am needed now. It is a wonderful time and it is incredibly rewarding to be so loved and so wanted. I love this phase of my life, but it is not easy. This is what I need from you. When you see a young mother looking frazzled and stressed, try and help her. If she is in front of you in line at the grocery store offer to hold or play with her baby while she checks out. If a mom leaves during sacrament meeting holding two screaming children in her arms, follow her and take one so she can calm them down one at a time. If you visit teach a young mom, ask her if you can come over for 45 minutes so she can shower and get ready for the day while you play with the kids or take them on a walk. And most importantly, assure all these moms that they are doing a good job. Don't tell them that you hope they love every minute with their babies, but tell them that you hope they treasure the special moments and forget about the crazy moments. Because when you are living each day on less then recommended sleep, clothes that can not remain clean for more then 10 minutes before snot/sticky fingers/bloody nose. . .destroy every thread of looking presentable, when it's been months since you last went to the bathroom in privacy, when you are bit/hit/spit on/kicked at least once every day, and when you feel like every single part of you has given all it can with very little thanks, the last thing you want to hear is how much someone 40 years older loved everything about when they were in your place. I guarantee to you, future self, that this phase of your life has been very hard and trying sometimes to the point of feeling like you can't do it another day, but it is also the most rewarding experience I have ever experienced up to this point as well. I love my sweet boys and I want you to know that I do cherish those precious moments. I love snuggling them close to me, blowing them kisses, tickling their ridiculously ticklish thighs, listening to them tell me stories about their adventures, watching them take their first steps, and holding them as infants for longer then I needed to just to have their warm bodies close. I will always cherish those milestones of beauty in life.
