Be of Good Cheer!

Today Brett was teaching from the beginning of John 15 during church and his teaching topic was to 'Be of Good Cheer'.  This topic was dear to me.  I've been complimented for being so positive and happy during this trial in my life, and I'd like to share my secret.   To understand my joy I will also be clear in saying that I am not perfect, and finding joy in this life experience was a journey.  The day we found out my diagnosis was a day of shock.  I had so many mixed emotions that I didn't really know what to think.  When shock evaporated, I looked at the situation honestly and spent a lot of time crying.  I was scared.  I was confused.  I was in mourning.  I cried when I held my kids.  Sometimes I would go to the worst case scenario. I mourned the future time I would loose with them.  I cried when I was driving, and I would have to pull over to the side of the road until my vision was clear.  I wondered if my little 'Bubba' would remember how I shower with him in my arms and we fill our cheeks up with water and spit on the shower wall and laugh.  He is too young, he won't remember if I'm gone. Will they remember that whenever I hold their hands I squeeze it three times and say 'I love you'?  I wondered if my boys would know that I check on them every night when they are asleep to make sure their blankets are on.  I cried when I thought about missing countless life events and milestones.  I cried when I thought about them not having my shoulder to cry on when they have heartache, when they get hurt, when they feel alone.  Would my baby survive this?  I worried about Brett.  He doesn't know how to run the house by himself, to take care of the boys' schedules and appointments, to make sure the boys are brushing their teeth.  There were times and moments when I was in a very dark place over the period of about a week.  I went to the absolute worst case scenario.  I did my very best to hide my tears from my boys. I didn't want them to be afraid, like me.  Sometimes I would feel sorry for myself.  Brett and I both mourned in our own way.  Sometimes we would mourn and council together, but Brett was always the rock in this.  He gave me perspective and comfort.  I love him and am so grateful for him.  After one of our talks I fell to my knees in fervent prayer to my Father in Heaven asking for peace and understanding.  I also asked Brett to give me a blessing. (If you'd like to know more about what a Priesthood blessing is feel free to ask me or see the comments).  Almost immediately, I felt the love of God for me, and I knew the answers would come.  Over the next few days I felt the Holy Ghost filling my mind and heart with a completely altered view of my situation from what I had found myself in previously.  It was as if the storm and chaos in my life was completely gone.  The cancer was still there, but it had no power over me.  Just like Christ calming the waters in a storm and demanding, "Peace, Be Still!".  He demanded the doubt, fear, anger, and stress to be still within me.  I don't know how I ever allowed myself to give into doubt.  Looking back at some of the emotions that ran through my head now just seem ridiculous to me.  I have every confidence that I am in God's hands, and I will be fine.  My family will be fine.  I am His.  He is my vine and I am His branch.  I will be His vessel to bring about his plan, in whatever way that may be.  I know that He loves me more then I love myself, and He loves my family more than I am even capable.  He will do nothing but bring about our salvation and eternal happiness when we allow him to lead us and conform ourselves to His will.  In John 15:4 Christ says, "Abide in me, and I in you."  I cannot think of a safer, happier place to be.  Just as a newborn helplessly depends on it's parents to protect, feed, care for, and raise them, we also are like helpless children in this life needing protection, care, and nourishment and when we abide in Christ He will not lead us astray. So, why am I happy?  I know who's I am.  I know who's got me covered.  This will just be a little speck of hardship in a long life filled with opportunities to become a better person.  If this is what it takes to be 'pruned' into a more fruitful servant of God then I will take it gladly.  I want my boys to know and see that, "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God . . . and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.” - Orson F. Whitney.  I am strengthened and renewed by your prayers in my behalf.  Thank you!

Random Phone Pics

Owen had a big lip bite that went right through his lip on General Conference weekend.  His poor lip has had WAY too many stitches. It's looking fine now. 

 After church a while ago we were playing hide and go seek.  When I opened my eyes this is how Emmett decided to hide.  Funny boy!

 After the first semester of school the boys got to take their report cards to Krispie Creme to get free doughnuts.  They were SO excited!

 Every night I peak on the boys while they are asleep.  I love seeing how peaceful they are and making sure they have a blanket on.  My heart smiled a little when I saw Emmett snuggling with Mickey Mouse.

This is a common occurrence on a Friday night.  Movie night all snuggled up on Mom and Dad's bed.   

Soccer

It's another soccer season! Hyrum has a love/hate relationship with soccer, and we're thinking this will be his last year in this sport.  He has had some fun moments though.  He got to play goalie a couple of times and his game has really improved.  

Noah couldn't be more excited to be in soccer.  He runs hard and tries really hard. 

Phone Dump

It's time for another unloading of all my phone pictures.  Some of these might be reprints.  It's always so fun to look back and see all these moments captured. 

 Owen has his own cute style.  He LOVES to wear pajamas.  On this particular day I told him he needed to get daytime clothes on, so what you're seeing here is two pairs of pajamas under some regular clothes.  He is one funny kid.

 Emmett has the longest, most beautiful eyelashes.

Owen was making me "Pepp and Roni Pizza".  He's such a cutie!

This was Grandma Rushton's first day with us.  The boys were SO excited and Owen and Emmett were so content listening to her read books.

We went to the Dinosaur Museum with Grandma to play. 

This was on my first day of chemotherapy.  I got up from my nap when Hyrum got home from school, so I could pass out there "First Day of Chemo" presents.  

On Sunday, after chemo, I made it to Sacrament Meeting and Sunday school, but felt like I was going to crash land.  So, I went home to nap.  When the boys got home from church Owen came strait to my bed because he wanted to play superheroes with me. :)

Easter

The boys looked SO cute in their new Easter vests.  I love my sweet, cute boys!  I took this picture two weeks before real Easter because this year we got to enjoy the holiday during General Conference.

We were so happy to have Grandma and Grandpa Rushton, cousin Andrew, and two friends stay with us so they could attend General Conference.  The boys loved having them here, and they were a great comfort and distraction for us.  They helped out around the house, played with the boys, and had a couple of movie nights with us.  The best part was my Mom offering to stay with us this summer to help us get through my chemo and delivery.  It will be a huge relief to have her here to be my nurse when I'm sick.  We're arranging play dates through summer for the boys when I'm not able to care for them.  

On Saturday we organized a fun Easter Egg hunt for our street.  I enlisted Brett to be the photographer.  We have such a great street for kids!

I don't really like this picture of myself, but this is me giving all the kids directions for the hunt.  The kids liked climbing in the back of the truck.    

A New Beginning

A couple of months ago, after I found out I was pregnant, it felt as though my milk was coming in on my right breast.  It was weird, but a warm compress seemed to make it feel better, and after a couple of days the swelling went down.  Then I noticed a little lump that didn't seem to go away.  I was certain it was a clogged milk duct (which I've had before and I know felt the same).  When it didn't go away after a month, I casually mentioned it to my Obgyn at my 16 week appointment.  He scheduled an appointment for me to have an ultrasound on the lump.  The ultrasound was inconclusive so immediately after I had a biopsy.  The biopsy was a little painful, but not too bad.  My breast was bruised for a couple of days.  We waited for the results of the test, but I was still sure that it was nothing.  On Tuesday, March 31st we got the news: "Grade 1 invasive ductal carcinoma measuring about 1.3 cm".  Brett was the first one to get the news.  He checked on the healthcare website that lets us know all our appointments, prescriptions, and diagnosis'.  He came downstairs and let me know.  It took me a little bit of time to fully let it sink in, then I cried, we cried. My Obgyn talked to me about it and let me know the next steps to take.  He had already set up an appointment for me to meet with a surgeon.  No one wants to hear the word cancer associated with them.  It's a scary word.  Cancer equals pain, no hair, and possible death.  It's crazy how a single word can instill such fear and negativity. Brett and I just didn't know where to even begin.  We did a little bit of research, but for some reason no where does it say what we are guaranteed to expect.  Here's what we thought: "We were ensured that the cancer was very small, we caught it early, and it would need to be removed. We're meeting with a surgeon and not an oncologist, so we're getting it easy.  They'll remove the cancer and then we'll be done.  Woohoo! Easy, peasy!"  Then we met with the surgeon.  She was amazing and again assured us that I have the most common breast cancer.  She said how great it was that we found it early and that it was so small.  She assured us that having surgery in the second trimester was safe and the baby would be fine.  Then she told us the reality of cancer. If you have cancer it has to be removed, once it's all out, then chemotherapy and radiation are a must to ensure that any remnants are killed.  I guess we just didn't go into the appointment with the right mind set.  Both of us were a bit shocked and lost. . . and she kept talking.  There was a lot of information.  She gave us appointment cards to meet with an oncologist and to have an echocardiogram the next week, and surgery in a week and a half.  I cried a lot in the first few days.  I cried trying to fall asleep at night.  I cried when my babies snuggled with me.  I cried when I read to them.  Sometimes I just started crying randomly.  For some reason I envisioned chemo as months of constant vomiting, laying in bed, and pain all over my body.  No breaks from it. I was worried about my baby. I was worried about my boys going months without a mom. At times I was fine and felt strong, but crashes came frequently.  I was bouyed up and brought afloat from peoples concern, prayers, and offers of help.  Brett was so level headed and had a great positive outlook on the situation and I was so grateful to be with him. He strengthened me.  Now that we've both been able to do some more research and reach out to people who have had cancer we feel much more at ease.  There will be some very hard days ahead of us, but there will also be good days mixed in with the bad.  General Conference was a huge help to both Brett and I.  We were both touched and felt some of our deep fears diminishing during different talks and music.  We felt that the Savior was encircling us in His arms. At the moment we are both feeling hopeful and grateful for this new beginning in our lives.  I opened a Facebook page to put frequent updates on my breast cancer.  I really feel that it will be healing and strengthening for me to 'write' my thoughts and feelings out.  I hope that maybe it will help someone else who may be in a similar situation as me.  

Easter Sacrament Talk

Brett never types up his talks when he speaks in church, but he felt that this was such an important topic that he wanted to be sure he didn't miss anything, so he typed it up.  It's nice to have a record of it.  He gave this talk at our Easter Sunday program last week.: 

     Of all the miracles the Savior wrought, the single most import event was His own triumphant victory over death through the power of the resurrection. The suffering and agony of Gethsemane, the lonely crushing walk to Calvary and the excruciating pain both physical and spiritual on Golgotha’s hill would have been of no worth to you or me if there was no veracity to the angelic declaration to Mary: “He is not here, for he is risen” (Matt 28:6, Luke 24:6).  That event is how the Master gained the title “author and finisher of our faith”.  That title, like so many attributed to Him, teaches and testifies to us of His resurrection. I pray for the faith of Elisha - who when surrounded by the Syrian army - prayed for his wavering servant “Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see” (2 Kings 6:17) that for a few moments this morning the sleepy eyes of our understanding will crack open just long enough to help us see the faith we already have in Jesus the Christ, our Author and Finisher.

He is the Author of our faith

     An author is an originator or creator.  In one sense, Christ authors our faith by inspiring us to do as He did and love one another.  It is easy to see how millions of people through multiple millennia have used the Savior’s teachings to inspire service, charity and love to those around them.  We don’t even have to go that far back, as I look at you I see disciples of Christ who write messages, make phone calls, cook meals and spend hours in secret service.  All that is inspired by Him, and though you may go to great lengths to keep your efforts hidden from one another with secret Santa’s and late night gift drop ding and ditches, I bare witness by the Holy Ghost that all these acts are known to Him, and Heaven is grateful for your tireless service. And yet in a much more basic sense than all this, Jesus literally is the author, originator or creator of our first seeds of faith long before He or we came to earth.

     We lived with our loving Heavenly Parents before our mortal birth. In my mind’s eye I imagine it was before their throne that we met to be taught the path each of us must walk to become like our Heavenly Father.  I read Facebook, I see how hard it is for you (and myself) to let our kids just leave on the bus for kindergarten or wave goodbye to our parents when we start our first day of college or embark on a few very short years of mission service and say goodbye to loved ones. Oh how that must have felt like such an impossible task our Father in heaven was asking us to do.  To leave That home, to leave Their presence, to take on ourselves a mortal body and all it’s susceptibilities and potential for corruption; Someone had to have given us the strength to do that.  I can imagine my own very black and white engineering mind racing through maths and statistics desperately trying to calculate some hopeful chance that I alongside you might make it back to our Father. And I can almost taste the defeat when we realized that this mortal experience would come to an end through death, how could that ever be overcome?  And then, I imagine the quiet reverence and swelling hope we all must have felt as our Elder Brother Jehovah - perhaps catching the flash of despair in our eyes - answered the Father’s call and said “Here am I, send me.” (Isaiah 6:8, Abraham 3:27)  And our faith grew!

     The Lord authored our faith in that pre-mortal realm, there could be mercy bestowed and there was sure victory to be had over death.  While the veil blocks out much of our memory of our pre-mortal courses and day to day life, the scriptures teach us that we joyfully accepted the Savior’s role in our Father’s plan and we exhibited great faith in the Lord’s ability to overcome death through resurrection.  We know this from Abraham that “they who keep their first estate shall be added upon” (Abraham 3: 26).  To keep our first estate means that we chose to put our faith in Christ and His resurrection. The Prophet Joseph Smith declared: “The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, sel. Joseph Fielding Smith [1938], 121).  To have our first estate added upon means at least these two things:

1. We were allowed to continue progressing to become like our Father by being born and living a mortal life to be tested “to see if [we] will do all things whatsoever the Lord [our] God shall command [us].” (Abraham 3:25)
2. The Savior’s resurrection would open a universal and literal resurrection for us all.

     My friends, this is the reality, and it is a far cry from the scenes depicted in soap operas, sit-coms and so-called reality shows.  We must remember that it is in Christ that we once placed our faith, that is the great secret the adversary does not want us to remember.  Like an airport terminal there are many options we encounter along the straight and narrow path which appear to offer faster travel arrangements.  When we aren’t careful, we can quickly be led on the moving sidewalk of pride or the chauffered cart of skepticism to fictitious flights which inevitably deviate from our intended destination - landing us in great and spacious time-shares with our luggage erroneously shipped to someplace lone and dreary.  True reality is and always will be that we are here because we once sustained Him and recognized that the “He only could unlock the gate of heaven and let us in” (Hymn 194, There is a Green Hill Far Away). When we begin to doubt our faith in this life, let us think back to those pre-mortal times and ask God for remembrance of the faith in Christ and His resurrection that is already within us, thus giving ourselves the most important and true “reality-check” available.

He is the Finisher of our faith

     The term finisher has many interesting uses.  In manufacturing it refers to the final machine or person who completes the manufacturing process.  In sports it refers to one who has completed the event or race.  In software development a finisher is a type of engineer who not only writes the program to complete a task but does so with such precision that he’s taken care to handle potential errors and loose ends.  In agriculture a finisher is an animal that has been fattened, ready for slaughter.  Each of these teach us various aspects of the Savior’s role as finisher during his final week in mortality.  He is not the finisher of our faith because our faith somehow ends with Him.  Instead I believe it’s because through His infinite atonement and resurrection He alone performed the final tasks at the end of a long assembly line of prophets and preparers.  He completed His mission perfectly and obediently.  He fulfilled with precision exactly what His Father send Him to do, leaving no errors un-handled and no loose ends relative to yours and my salvation.  And most poignantly he submitted Himself to his accusers and humbly allowed Himself to be led to the slaughter.

     At the evening of what must have been longest day in Christ’s life, He began His descent below all things with hours of suffering and anguish in the Garden of Gethsemane.  The Savior Himself testified, “Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit”, “how sore you know not, how exquisite you know not, yea, how hard to bear you know not” (D&C 19: 18, D&C 19:15).  Then, in one of the most mocking expressions any man has ever committed, one of Christ’s own friends and ordained apostles betrayed Him into murderous hands with a kiss.  But His descent down the staircase of despair had only begun, through an exhausting and sleepless night, the Eternal Judge of us all was dragged from one mocking trial to another.  The Prince of Peace was violently spit upon, slapped, and had hairs plucked from his head and beard.  Then being brought from prison to the courtyard, Jesus was presented to the people next to Barabbas and the people were asked which of the two should be set free as was custom at the time, The Only Begotten of the Father or Barabbas, a murderer who’s name ironically means son of the father (lowercase son and lowercase father). The crowd clamored for Barabbas’s release and without a hint of disdain the Savior took one more step down this lonely road He had promised you and I He would fully walk.  Moments later with Pilate foolishly thinking that he could rid himself of the innocent blood that was about to be spilt by washing his hands in public view, the crowd convicted themselves further with this chilling statement, “His blood be on us, and our children” (Matt 27:25).  They were willing to accept the consequences of shedding the innocent blood of the Lamb which blood He was already willing to shed for us all so we could be washed clean.

     The King of Kings decended further by having a crown of thorns placed unceremoniously on His head.  Despite all this, His greatest pain and trial was yet to come.  While hanging on the cross, with all of the spiritual and emotional anguish of the preceding events returning our Savior exclaims, “My God, my God, why has thou forsaken me?” (Matt 27:46). I share Elder Jeffery R. Holland's and Elder Richard G. Scott’s view that "a perfect Father did not forsake His Son in that hour.  Indeed… the Father may never have been closer to His Son than in these agonizing final moments of suffering.” “His Father recognized that the Savior needed to accomplish the Atonement totally and completely on His own… The Father did not abandon His Son.  He made it possible for His perfect Son to win the eternal fruits of the Atonement.” (Jeffery R. Holland, None Were With Him,Richard G. Scott, He Lives All Glory to His Name).  He had committed to “[trod] the winepress alone” (Isaiah 63:3) and I testify with absolute surety that He alone “finished [His] preparations unto the children of men” (D&C 19:19) and triumphantly pronounced to His Father and to you and I that “It is finished” (John 19:30).

     And so, on the third day, the very first Easter Sunday, Jesus Christ fulfilled all He promised to us and broke the chains of death through the power of the resurrection.  “O death, where is thy sting?  O grave, where is thy victory” (1 Cor 15:55) “… there is a resurrection, therefore the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.” (Most 16:8).  With that holy resurrection, Christ became The Everlasting Father of us all and the finisher of our faith.  He makes our faith complete, there is no margin of error in His words and His promises.  We believed Him and had faith in Him before we came to this earth, and all the Father asks is that we do so again.  There is a subtle, beautiful symbolism in the inspired words of the hymn “Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel”.  That immovable wheel - death, represented by the stone which covered the Savior’s tomb indeed had angelic shoulders put to it.  When I was younger I marveled at the detail and planning put into every moment of the Savior’s mission.  The Father even planned out in advance the assignment to send angels to roll back the stone to, as I supposed, let the Savior walk free from the tomb and declare His victory.  Only in recent years have I learned and realized that the shoulders put to that wheel were not for Savior’s benefit, but for Mary’s and Peter’s and all who came to see the empty tomb.  And we too are invited collectively to join in that work and put our shoulders to the wheel of faith, for the benefit and salvation of our family, our friends, all who will “Come, [and] see the place where the Lord lay” (Matt 28:6).

He lives, all glory to His name

     My invitation to us all is to take our seed of faith whatever it’s state may be and nourish it.  If there are questions in your mind, wonderful!  Go to our Father in prayer and ask him to answer them AND to soften your heart and grant you patience until the answers come.  If you struggle to keep any of the commandments, great!  You are in the company Paul and Nephi and myself who also struggle.  Ask the Lord for a renewal of your faith and press forward.  If there are sins or misdeeds that despite your efforts or desires you have been unable to shake free, take heart!  It is for that exact purpose that the Lord did all I have testified he did this day.

     Brothers and Sisters, there are too many of us who are not being blessed by the temple.  I have offered this plea before and I offer it again, whatever your reason, come and let us work together.  Everything we do in the temple is a reflection and testimony of the resurrection of Jesus Christ.  Those two are inseparably connected.  I do not know how to say it any plainer than this, there is nothing in life, no amount of money, no habit, no doubt that is worth holding on to so tightly that it keeps us from participating in the temple.  The Savior gave His all for us and if we will sincerely and humbly do His will, we can know these things for ourselves.  “Oh, dearly, dearly has he loved!  And we must love him too, and trust in his redeeming blood, and try his works to do.” (Hymn 194, There is a Green Hill Far Away)  In the sacred name of our Savior, Jesus Christ, amen.