This year has been a learning experience for my family. On our path to come unto Christ and receive and embrace His perfect Atonement, there are two principles that stand out to me the most. FIRST - Trust the Lord, and His infinite wisdom and SECOND Accept the Lord’s will with patience and gratitude.
Last Christmas seemed extra special because we felt like, for a brief moment, that we had everything together. After four c-sections and an especially difficult last delivery we felt that we were done having kids, Brett was loving his job, we were surprising the kids with a long-asked for puppy Christmas morning, and we were discussing vacations and family trips in our future. OUR plans were just working out perfectly. We didn’t know that Heavenly Father had a different plan for our future. Early this year we were surprised to find that we were expecting another baby. It came as a bit of a shock, but we were happy to welcome another member to our family and started to change our plans to accommodate a newborn this year. Shortly after finding out I was pregnant I noticed a small lump under my skin and mentioned it to my doctor during a routine appointment. He suggested I have it looked at, just as a precaution. Within a two week period of that visit I had an ultrasound, biopsy, mammogram, was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma, and had my first surgery to attempt to remove the cancer. It was a whirlwind of emotions, fears, and a lot of prayer. It was determined that I would need to begin chemotherapy when I was about 20 weeks pregnant. There were a lot of tears, I was afraid for the baby and I was sad that my 4 young boys would have to sacrifice their summer, and be introduced to such a hard and painful experience in their life. I wanted the cancer to go away. I just wanted to hold my boys and plan adventures all summer long with them, and celebrate Brett and my 10th wedding anniversary like we had planned. By the council and encouragement of my husband I followed the admonition of the Savior, recorded in Matthew: “Come unto me, all ye that are heavy ladden, and I will give you rest.” I needed a daily boost through prayer to make it through at times. I knew that Heavenly Father had a plan for me, but I struggled to know how THIS fit into His plan, because it was definitely NOT in mine.
Early in treatment I had a very vivid dream. I was young and in school. The school I attended in my dream was very prestigious and I just knew it was an honor to be there. I was sitting in class when the principal called me into his office. I looked around the office and noticed the beautiful woodwork and a large desk in the center of the room. Behind the desk were the kind eyes of the school’s principal. I knew he cared about each of the students in the school and wanted all of us to succeed. He told me that in order for me to excel in this school I would need to accept a very difficult challenge. I was told that my opportunity for growth came in the form of being attacked by a bully every other day for the rest of the school year. I would get knocked down, pushed, and beaten but the next day I could heal and enjoy my day. . . then the bully would come again. I couldn’t believe that this was required for me to succeed and become the student that he knew I could be. Why would I have to experience pain? Couldn’t there have been an easier way? But I trusted him and his experience, so I agreed to the challenge. As I stood up, about to leave the office, he stopped me and added that there was one more thing he needed from me. I would be given 5 new students that would be under my stewardship. I would need to show them around the school, teach them how things worked, and prepare them for their school career. They would watch me and need to know that my challenges wouldn’t keep me down, because they needed my strength. In my dream, I then appeared on the playground ready to face the bully for the first time and looked up to see the eyes of my five new students watching me and I knew everything was going to be fine. The bully would beat me down, but I would always be able to get back up and it wouldn’t last forever. I knew that this painful challenge would help me recognize my own strength and expand my understanding of the Atonement. When I woke up I felt so much joy and contentment. I knew that this dream was a gift from heaven, to teach me that Heavenly Father’s plan for my family was better then my plan. I knew that Heavenly Father would strengthen me for my soon to be five boys. Brett Jr. joined our family in August, after enduring 6 rounds of chemotherapy with me, in my easiest c-section that I’ve ever had. He is now 3 months old and perfectly healthy and thriving.
Sometimes I think back to that dream I had months ago, sitting in front of the principal. I wonder if there was a similar scene before we came to earth? Trials and hardships in life may not be part of OUR plan, but our limited comprehension of eternity is a great reminder to put our trust in someone who does have Infinite wisdom and understanding and wants the absolute best for us. We can: “Trust in the Lord with all (our) hearts; and lean not unto (our) own understanding. In all (our) ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct (our) paths.” as stated in Proverbs (Proverbs 3:5-6). Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, “Adversity is an occasional or even a constant companion for each of us throughout our lives. We cannot avoid it. It is a reality - and indeed one of the purposes of mortal life. What is important is how we react to it. Will our adversities bear us down, or will we go forward relying on the promise of God, who does not shield us from every adversity but who gives us the guidance and strength that make it possible for us to endure and progress?”
In the first verse of the book of Job we learn what kind of man he was, “ There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil.” He was given every blessing and privilege in life. Satan challenged his obedience and perfection, saying that if all that was good in his life was taken away he would curse God. Jesus allowed Satan to have power over all that Job had. He destroyed his flocks and herds, he slayed his servants and children, cursed him with boils, and abandonment and every affliction you can imagine. He suffered greatly, and wondered why he was afflicted with such loss and sorrow, but never once cursed the Lord. He persevered, and despite all that he suffered he still testified, “Blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21). “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him. … He also shall be my salvation. … For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth … yet in my flesh shall I see God” (Job 13:15–16; Job 19:25–26). Job trusted the Lord and His infinite wisdom AND he accepted the Lord’s will with patience and gratitude. He was declared perfect, not because he had a perfect life, but because he never doubted God’s wisdom.
In the New Testament James wrote these words of encouragement to the other apostles, “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.” To be patient doesn’t mean we are giving up or that we stop learning and asking questions, but patience is the opportunity to humble ourselves and open our hearts and minds for receiving the Lord’s guidance and understanding rather than our limited perspective. President Uchtdorf wisely taught, “Without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace.” (G.C. April 2010)
Just like the principal in my dream who invited me to his office, our Savior also invites us to Come unto Him. When we come unto Christ and trust Him he will show us His plan for us. Our trials may not be lifted and OUR plans might be shifted, but through His Atonement, His Grace, and His eternal love for us we are given the command and promise to be perfected in Him. When we embrace the Savior we can gain for ourselves His perfect love, perfect peace, perfect hope, and perfect forgiveness. And if we find what we are not getting exactly what we hope for, we can still find joy and be grateful. Knowledge, understanding, testimony, and faith all come at the price of patience.
I know, now more than ever, that Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer. He suffered all things and can truly empathise with our pain and sorrow. We at times need to recognize our weaknesses and acknowledge that we are broken in order to get fixed, and our Savior stands with open arms ready to embrace us. I have felt His love and peace and know that there is plenty enough of his perfect Atonement for everyone.
